A Mother’s Heart

I have always wanted to be a Mom.  At a very young age I would play with my baby dolls, take them to church and kiss them goodnight.  I envisioned what I “thought” being a mommy would be like and I knew I wanted LOTS of kiddos…I was always very maternal.

People say that you never truly know love until you hold your firstborn.  I was very excited the day Joshua arrived and was placed in my arms.  It was an exhausting labor and  I was relieved that part was over.  I had no idea that the sweet innocent baby I held would change my life…drastically.  I had no idea that in the first year of his life I would notice that things were just not right.  I had no idea that I would spend hours upon hours crying out to God for an answer to my child’s needs. I had no idea that this very small baby boy would change me for the better.  I had no idea that we had such a challenging journey ahead of both of us…or rather the 5 of us.

A Mother’s heart is indescribable.  It is a place where so many emotions dwell and many are often silent and hidden for no one else to see.  A Mother’s heart is joyful when their children are joyful, upset when their children are upset and broken when their child’s heart is broken.  A Mother’s heart is love.

My heart has been through many emotions over the past 14 years.  I truly believe the hardest moments are when I witness my son not connecting with others.  There are times where he is surrounded by people but has a look on his face of confusion.  Asperger’s Syndrome creates confusion.  It makes things hard for one to understand social cues, facial expressions, words that are slang, etc.  An Asperger’s kid will try to fit in but its usually very awkward and their peers notice right away there is a difference.

Asperger’s can be very lonely.  Due to the inability to socialize in a typical way the Aspie may become more of a loner and depressed because he has no friends.  We have and still are going down that road.  It is gut wrenching to know that your child wants a friend so badly but there is no one.  It is gut wrenching to know that you as a Mom have prayed for a friend to come into your child’s life and their is no one.  It is gut wrenching to watch your child in a “bully” situation in a place that your child deems as secure and accepting.  A Mother’s heart aches when their child is mistreated by others.

Today I have prayed and thought about the bully situation that occurred in my son’s life last night.  God kept bringing Mary, the Mother of Jesus, to my mind.  I simply cannot imagine how Mary’s heart felt as she witnessed everything her son went through on this Earth.  Joy when she witnessed his miracles, love when she watched him speak in the Synagogue and unimaginable grief when she watched her son…her firstborn… bullied , spat upon, beaten and then later crucified.  Mary had a mother’s heart just like me.  She was a human who was chosen by our Heavenly Father to carry out his great plan.  Mary trusted in God that HE would strengthen her and guide her through every trying situation.  That is also how I try and long to live my life.  I truly believe that things are allowed to happen in order for them to be used for God’s glory. It is in the trying times that we turn to God earnestly looking and seeking him.

Thanking God today for renewing my heart and spirit and giving me another day to be a Mom to The Sons of Thunder!

The Journey…

My name is Suzanne and I’m a Mom to 3 boys.  My oldest son is Joshua (13), Will is 10 and Zach is 6.  I married my college sweetheart Cliff almost 20 years ago. We have an interesting life and our dog Boomer adds to the excitement!  Nine years ago our oldest was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome which is on the Autism Spectrum.   Our middle was diagnosed last year with ADD and ODD and our youngest…well..the jury is still out on him;)

I would like to welcome each one of you to my blog. I hope to educate and bring insight, from a Mother’s point of view, about Asperger’s and the life with an Aspie.  Some of our journey with Asperger’s is absolutely hilarious and some is very dark and sad.  Lately the media has brought more awareness to Asperger’s but unfortunately it has been more from the dark side.  For example, the shooting at an Elementary school…a horrific crime carried out by a young man who is thought to have been an Aspie.  Being absolutely honest, these are the things that I fear. I fear that my son’s social awkwardness and his feelings of not be accepted by society will cause him to explode one day.  I do not fear that he will take other’s lives however I fear for his own.   I know that fear comes from satan himself so I pray daily for God to restore my faith and give me strength.  Thankfully he always does.

Currently, after a very long journey with our public school system, I have brought Josh home to home school.  This has created a new path in my journey personally because I am no longer alone during the day.  I have a constant shadow.  Sometimes the shadow just wants to talk, sometimes he wants to watch 80’s commercials together and sometimes he just wants to chill.  I was stressed in the beginning of the home schooling process but I decided life is too short…no more stressing…I will do the best I can each day and God will bless.  So far, everything is working out fine…except PE;)

My next post will hopefully bring a smile to your face and encourage you along your own journey.  I plan to be honest and open as a Mom with special needs children.  I hope you will come along with me and I promise there will never be a  dull moment:)